I’ve been angry these past couple of days, not sure what at. Finally got Dell to send me a new laptop, and fresh out the box it BSoDs on me, my new climbing shoes are mighty uncomfortable, and I have a million things to do in general. Stability and regularity are the keys to a successful adult life...right? I don’t know. It could also be that IF makes me cranky in the mornings and I just need to eat to quell my undying rage. Apparently my Dad has COVID and might die (another potential source of frustration), I am both shocked and unsurprised by my indifference. Whilst it would be nice to care and have some sort of emotional reaction, he is clearly uninterested in taking the steps necessary for us to have any sort of functional relationship. That realisation had me mourn him and the death of our relationship so it feels like I’ve already been through that step. Yeah, I dunno. I want to focus on the good stuff in my life. I completed the goal I set last year of completing a V7 so I guess building two six-figure businesses is just around the corner, as well as buying two more houses. Note: I no longer want to buy two more houses, I just want that size of investment portfolio. Getting my tattoo finished (hopefully) on Saturday. And yet, I’m still pissed. It’s more like an overwhelming sense of frustration that things aren’t going the way I’d like them to. I owe the Priory money for the therapy that was pretty trash. I owe Emma money for a weekend in Scotland to hang out with her uni mates. I should actually talk to her about her spending and what she expects me to pay for and what she’s just paying for herself. Gah! So annoying, I swear that life is much easier alone...less hugs though. What is the point of all this? I’m not even sure I want this “adult relationship”. Do the pros out-weigh the cons? Maybe, if I was single I’d probably just be looking for a partner anyway...at least after a few months of being single anyway. I spoke with Jess on the phone yesterday about not really being sure of what my aim is any more. I have a good life (partner, apartment, money, job, etc) so what’s the point in the rest of it? Does my ambition come from striving? I don’t know. There’s a lot of stuff I’d like to do but have to spend time at my job instead of doing all of it...or maybe that’s an excuse (?) I do a lot of extra-curricular activities like this book stuff and the “business” with Louis. I probably just need a holiday, alone. #middleclass #frustration #existential