I feel tired. My skin has been flaring up recently (unsure why, like most of the flare ups in my life) and I really didn’t feel like writing today. Oh well. That’s not the point of discipline is it? To just NOT do something because you don’t feel like it? Wasteman (I’ve literally never used that phrase before in a non-ironic context).  One time in Tesco I was saying goodbye to the cashier (black) and instead of saying “Cheers Buddy” I instead said “Cheers Brother” and flustered about it for a solid three hours of “Was that racist?” “Does he get sick of non-black people calling him ‘brother’” “Do black people have a monopoly on calling each other ‘brother,’ white people do it all the time too albeit shortened to ‘bro’”... I could go on. I wrote a line for a rap song I’m currently working on “My love of Ebonics is purely platonic, I just like the rhythm and sonics” in an attempt to justify my position. I am a POC but that does NOT make me black, similarly I think one needs to address their privilege in the work they produce to make it clear that they know and understand the context from which they write/produce/create.  Words especially take on different meanings based on WHO said it and can reveal a lot about the person. There’s a lot of talk about finding one’s “voice” when expressing oneself, searching for a way of communicating that feels true to you. It’s difficult to say when you have found your “voice” and yet it’s easy to tell when someone lacks authenticity or are trying to project something that they are not. C’est la vie. It’s hard to do good work. Father’s Day has passed without incident. I didn’t call or text my Dad. It felt disingenuous to do so. However I’m still feeling these pangs of guilt and sadness, I guess I feel sad that I felt weird about communicating with him. This is my cross to bear and, hopefully, I’ll feel okay about it one day. It’s odd to think that once he was my hero and now he’s just...a nobody. That’s not strictly true, he said he was done trying to improve our relationship, I don’t think he ever really wanted to. He just wanted unwavering love and loyalty without having to do anything to earn it...the irony is that he had it and threw it away. #race #identity #fathers