I know, I know, it’s been 14 days since my last confession. I’ve been writing though, music and the like. I have enough creative outlets to feed my addiction to content creation. But, and a big but, is that I’ve been feeling like I should get back to prose. Back to writing short stories and back to creative writing, I haven’t. Of course, there are always these urges. Urges (or anxieties) that tell me I’m not doing enough creative stuff, like I’m stuck in some sort of rut. I tell myself that nothing has inspired me lately but that’s not true at all. I also tell myself that I don’t have time to write, this is also untrue. It’s laziness and busyness and all sorts, rolled into one. My job has been “getting in the way” of my creative pursuits, as does my relationship. It’s all there, but the grit isn’t. Not that I’ve been going to easy on myself. My mornings are prioritised by press-ups and meditation with reading and writing thrown into the mix if I have time. If I were to advise another I would tell them to “make time”. However the practicality of that I now question. So what should I do? What’s the point of all this (writing I mean, not life)? Perhaps it’s something I do for myself when I’m not busy doing projects for other people. Perhaps I do the projects for other people to shield myself from having to do my own projects. Who knows? I guess the money from additional bits and bobs has a certain appeal but I have a strong feeling that all the money stuff will sort itself out. Hmmmm. Do I do it for glory? Some of the time. I like to be a stunt-man of sorts, constantly striving for the next big show. The next glorious stunt or trick to pull that will “wow” the masses. And then and then and then. Onto the next one. The next high, the next big thing. Perhaps I should start writing for medium again, try and get on that band-wagon. Do I do it to express myself? One of the most fulfilling aspects of my relationship with Emma is that we express ourselves through conversation and sharing our thoughts and feelings orally (wahey) whereas I used to use the page for that purpose. Or maybe it’s simply because, currently, music is more what excites me as a source of written creativity. Since turning 30, I have thought more about what I actually want from life. I believe that the separation of creative outlets and financial security is fairly key. I wouldn’t like to become someone that produces purely for the sake of financial gain...However, that is precisely what my current job entails. #creativity #existential #writing